I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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