I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
