she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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