R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
PANTIES FOUND
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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