i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
