When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
