Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
