you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
