Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
