So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
