do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
