It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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