Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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