well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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