Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
