im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
