My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Randomize
