I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
