with your own penis?
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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