You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
