ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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