Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
