Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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