I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
