You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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