the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
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