I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
