aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
