On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
