I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
