dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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