I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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