God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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