I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
