We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
