I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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