Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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