I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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