I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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