Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
