Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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