You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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