I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
