I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
