Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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