im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
