Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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