nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
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Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
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Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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