Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
