Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
