you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
