You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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