Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
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I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
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Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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