I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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