there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
